


but you were the gentle moon and i the dying beast

by orphan_account



Category: Original Work, Personal works, venting - Fandom
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:47:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23961004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: my mouth is full of lies and poison.my hands are shaking and covered in my own bloodmy ears still ring with the shouts of my childhood.do i love you?please, don't ask questions like that---a couple of warnings, there is implied/explicit childhood abuse, heavily implied childhood sexual abuse, underage sex, unsafe sex, heavy drug use, toxic relationships, implied/referenced cheating and possibly illegal behavior. so if any of that is triggering, stay away from this work.





	but you were the gentle moon and i the dying beast

**Author's Note:**

> before anything,  
> i was a fucking asshole and a bitch in relationships but i'm in therapy now and i'm trying my best to fix my shitty behavior. 
> 
> the "you" i'm referring to is people who have had the misfortune of dating me before, i'm sorry for the hurt i caused you. 
> 
> and a couple of warnings, there is implied/explicit childhood abuse, heavily implied childhood sexual abuse, underage sex, unsafe sex, heavy drug use, toxic relationships, implied/referenced cheating and possibly illegal behavior. so if any of that is triggering, stay away from this work. its actually just a venting place. 
> 
> if you're here from my other works, i really don't want you to be tainted from this, i'm sorry for this, please return to the other happier stuff, where i can pretend that this didn't happen and i lived a happy life.

i'd tell you i loved you, 

but i don't know what love is so i kept my mouth shut.

i'd tell you to stay, 

but i would have ended up breaking you, 

so i kept my mouth shut. 

one day you asked me with curious eyes and a soft voice, "what would you do if i left"

i smiled, and tried not to think about how i'd answer someone else's dm's and spend the night with them, tried not to think about how quickly i'd forget your name until you were a faceless fling too, tried not to think about how quick i bounce back from the sting of yet another failed relationship, tried not to think about how quick i'd open my mouth and sweet talk another into my bed. 

i answered with a mouth full of lies, "i don't know"

one time you asked me if i had any cousins

i danced you around and tried not to let you see my shaking hands and stuttering breaths. tried not to let you see my eyes get heavy and remember how he caged me in and called me his wife. tried not to let you see how i trembled at the memory of sobbing as he touched me and caressed my thighs and sides and whispered that i was so good for him. tried not to let you see how i swallowed back the bile that rose to my throat at the very thought of his face and hands. i guess i succeeded because you looked at me with your soft eyes and tilted head. 

i grinned at you and whispered, "a couple here and there, i lived with some for a while when i was about seven or eight." 

you asked me one day what my childhood was like

i hummed, and tried not to flinch and think about the smell of alcohol and cigarettes and scars on my shoulders and back long since faded, try not to think about hiding under my bed and how lamps sounded when thrown and smashed against the wall, tried not to think about how i'd go days without food, tried not to remember how loud my mom screamed when my dad grabbed her by the hair and how mad my dad got when my mom would scratch his face.

i shrugged and said, "typical mexican household, dad worked long hours and so did my mom, so i was alone a lot."

one day i found my razor and dug deep grooves into my arms and thighs. so i cancelled with you and went to my cousin's house and got high and fucked one of their friends.

that was the first time i cheated one you.

i felt like shit so i dug even deeper grooves on my arms. i cancelled with you again and went to my dad's house and got drunk and fucked his friend's son.

that was the second time i cheated on you.

you got mad and showed up to my house when i wasn't there. you asked my mom if i was home and she said i was at my boyfriend's house. i didn't have a boyfriend, and you knew that, so when you called i answered, hungover and sore and hating myself and pretended i was at a friend's house. i told you i'd go over to your house later. 

i didn't. 

someone sent you a video of them walking in on me sleeping naked with some guy whose name i had already forgotten. 

you broke up with me and i couldn't say i wasn't relieved.

three weeks later we bumped into each other at the mall, you looked happy to see me and started to talk to me.

then you saw the hickey on my neck. and you got angry. "couldn't even wait a month huh?" you spat at me

i grinned at you, "baby girl, it didn't even take three days to replace you." you were shocked and hurt, and it made me happy. 

the boy i was with slipped his hand into my back pocket and asked me if i knew you. i kissed his neck and stared you in the eye as i told him no. later we got back to his house and i let him fuck me while i thought about how soft your hair felt when i would braid it. 

i never got to tell you i'm sorry. and i never think i'll get to tell you. but i'm sorry.

and i think i did love you, even for a short while.


End file.
